What the Smut? ain’t got an ounce of class, sugar. It was like reading a romance novel written by Dee Reynolds from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I got a lot of enjoyment out of it, but some uneven moments — and a ridiculous saccharine ending – kept me from giving it more than a high C. I had a hell of a lot of fun reading it: it’s delightful for what it is and may, at bare minimum, make you laugh.
Salty yet virginal erotica author June Ryan is an anxious flier — even more so when a very handsome man comes and sits beside her on her solo flight to Las Vegas. June finds herself barely coping with the fact that she’s suddenly been seated beside her dream man and tops the moment when her laptop starts playing a graphic porn video two seconds after he sits down. After awkwardly blurting out how good he smells, among other things, she eventually escapes the situation by going to sleep – but naturally their adventure doesn’t stop there.
When June finally dozes, drooling on his shoulder, Adrian Winters is quite relieved. An assassin and hired contract killer who has been targeted by the very people he used to work for, he’s in big trouble. He’s already being stalked and when June is kidnapped under the presumption that she’s his girlfriend, Adrian is told she’ll die if he doesn’t save her. He does not want to deal with this shit, but that’s the story of his life. He rescues June and drags her through the forest, and now she’s a part of his problems.
Bantering all the way, the twosome realize they’re attracted to each other in spite of the fact that June really annoys Adrian — and the fact that they have a whole lot of people running after them.
Let me describe the first ten pages of What the Smut? because humor is subjective.
During a conversation being held in from June’s airplane seat, her best friend Emily fondly calls her ‘cunt nugget’ after recalling how she barfed ‘chunky vomit’ on her during a drunken bender. Then Emily shoots snot all over her phone while she’s face-timing June — double underlining the fact that she’s ill, which is why she can’t come with June on this trip.
Enter the hero a few minutes later, with “big dick energy,” per June. The crazysauce, outrageous tone set up the merry-go-round I was on for the next few hundred pages. The result is a howlingly funny book that doesn’t quite sell me on the romance but most certainly made me laugh.
This is a couple who tries to keep themselves from giving in to their throbbing urges by placing a pillow between them like Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert (she naturally ends up wrapped around him like a boa constrictor). June’s desire for Adrian naturally ends up leaking into her prose, and she’s stuck trying to convince him that it’s okay if they just have sex for a little while. It’s a solid argument in context, I suppose: they could die at any minute because a Russian secret agent might murder them.
June is, to put it simply, bird-brained. She squeaks about how it hurts her hand to throw a punch; she shouts ‘What’s happening!?’ as she prepares to have her first intercourse-based orgasm like she’s in an alien invasion film. She’s goofy and clumsy and trips over things at the best/worst of times. She’s kind of amazing as a creature, like someone who escaped from a Farrelly Brothers film or a sitcom.
Adrian — when he’s not having actual sex with June – feels like he’s dragging his kid sister around the desert as they figure out who’s trying to kill them. He is grizzled and angry and has a dry wit. So it’s all grumpy-and-sunshine.
I did like that June’s anxiety played a small part in the novel, and that Adrian’s mom had it and thus he knew how to deal with her panic attacks. But aside from courtesy and some moments of tenderness, I never sensed that Adrian liked or respected her or that they were really in love with each other. Sure, he wanted to fuck her and fuck her he sure did. And yeah, he didn’t want her to die and went to great lengths to keep that from happening, but that didn’t feel like true love.
There’s mutual tenderness. The sex is great, right from the first time, because we’re in romancelandia here. Her second and third times are in a bathroom stall and a women’s dressing room, by the way. But when the book eventually tries to claim it’s true love in the last quarter, it rings quite hollow. The hornypants sex is earned; the romance is not.
And of all of the books I’ve ever read to include a ‘babies ever after’ epilogue, this book should not have had one. June and Adrian should not be having kids for multiple reasons, the least of which is the fact that even by the last fourth of the book, he barely seems able to tolerate her.
He only starts missing her – or more accurately the sex — when they separate. And worse, he finds out by reading her books about “Junia” and “Adriano,” the fictionalized versions she created of them from their adventure, which discuss her pregnancy. What a bizarre choice.
And an international assassin getting away with starting a small security company and no one putting a bullet in him!? Come on. It was too daisies and sunshine.
Sometimes a book is so funny, so ridiculous, so over-the-top that I can’t help but enjoy it. It might not be convincing as a romance, but as an action piece, as a character study, and as a comedy, it convinced me to keep reading.
I mean, Adrian’s brother, Theo, declares it sounds like they’re dying when they come and proceeds to embarrass them both during his wedding toast. This cracked me up – but I know that humor isn’t for everyone. If you’re snorting or curious after reading this review, What the Smut? is worth a read, even if you don’t buy its love story.
This guest review comes from Lisa! A longtime romance aficionado and frequent commenter to SBTB, Lisa is a queer Latine critic with a sharp tongue and lots of opinions. She frequently reviewed at All About Romance and Women Write About Comics, where she’s on staff, and you can catch her at @thatbouviergirl on Twitter. There, she shares good reviews, bracing industry opinions and thoughtful commentary when she’s not on her grind looking for the next good freelance job.
