We’re celebrating our 20th anniversary all week, because why not, right? Squeeze the joy out of every moment, y’all!
Today: VINTAGE COVER SNARK.
One thing I’ve noticed doing the RT Rewind podcasts is that, for some cover images, our server is one of a very few places they seem to reside. So finding some of these meant doing a deep dive into the archives and older image folders.
Cover Snark has been one of our most popular enduring features and funnily enough, we’ve never run out of material? I once heard from an Ellora’s Cave editor that back in the day, at least one person in their office would stand up and say COVER SNARK IS UP when we posted, so everyone could log on.
So I’d like to dedicate this post to all the people who work in publishing, and to you, who are reading this right now.
Above all, I’d like to dedicate this post to this cover:
Truly, one of the most incredible Poser covers ever made. (Poser, if you’re not familiar, is a 3D modeling software used for human(ish) figures, and many a small press used it to create covers.)
Most Importantly: Joining me today for vintage snark?
Candy, who co-founded Smart Bitches lo, these many years ago.
HOOORAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!
We’ve snarked a lot of covers in 20 years. Candy and I used to email covers back and forth and scream about them. So we’re going to re-visit some favorites.
In March 2005, we Beheld the Bleachmaster:
Sarah: I noticed something while adding ALT text to the image just now.
Ok, look at his knees, which are beneath the pink-dress person’s bent leg. One thigh, two thighs. But…wouldn’t that put his pelvis about 10″ in front of where his torso is? Does the outlaw viking have astonishingly long thighs?
My younger child is trying to convince me that this is normal but I’m very distracted by the angle and perspective.
Candy: Oh, this is a classic. The waxed chest; the orgasmic expressions; the pose that defies physics (how, exactly, is she perched on his leg? What’s her other leg doing? Does she have another leg? IS SHE JUST FLOATING ON THE WINGS OF DESIRE???).
Genuinely, though, I’ll take this over photoshopped stock models or clipart illustrated characters. It’s dynamic! It’s fun! It tells me exactly what to expect from this book (bonkers adventures, plausibility optional). God I miss this.
…
Sarah: Speaking of astonishingly long, how about this neck? We snarked this one in April 2005.
We called this one “Sims in Lurve” and almost 20 years later I spotted one of these books in RT Magazine.
Sarah: It is so incredible to me that so many books at one time had Poser covers, with strange twisted necks and odd joint angles. They’re a precursor to the AI art we’re seeing now. A strange, bendy precursor.
Candy: OK this style, on the other hand, I don’t miss–but you know what, those tiny digital-first presses were trying their best on non-existent budgets. Poor broken-necked underwater lady.
I’ll still take something like this over an AI-generated cover any day, though, because these covers didn’t burn up a quart of water in the process of generating it. Fuck up somebody’s joints with your own hands, dammit, like God intended.
…
Sarah: I’d forgotten about this one, and when I saw it, my eyes GOT SO BIG because all the memories came flooding back. All of ’em.
Even ghostly leopards need titty.
That’s from Changeling Press, which no longer exists, but I cannot count the number of times I have said, “Oh, Changeling, never change.”
Candy: Oh god, another classic from days of yore. The spirit leopard desperately trying to grope, only to sadly insert his whole-ass paw into the woman’s tittay. Again, small presses doing their best with little time and even less budget, but the composition was, uh, unfortunate.
P.s. Dear furries, I apologize for any and all shitty comments I made about you back in the day, I was a judgmental butthead and said many Extremely Wrong things for the sake of trying to land a mediocre joke.
P.p.s. Genuinely love how the ghost leopard always topped in these covers. Nobody puts spectral leopard in a corner on the bottom!!!!
Sarah: The composition was unfortunate and yet so incredibly great for us, both back then and 20 years later. Nothing tops a computer generated leopard at about 65% opacity unable to refrain from reaching out, reaching in, just like Neil Diamond told him to.
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Candy: Christ, remember when we called these futuristic romances? My bones are crumbling into dust as I type this. Anyway, John DeSalvo in a bad wig clutching giant sword, truly a staple of romance covers of the 90s and 2000s.
Sarah: So this is the future, huh? Wind machine and a GIANT SWORD?
He is going to slice open his abdomen and hand someone a kidney.
Candy: OK wait, I just looked this up, and this is straight-up an isekai romance about a woman transported into a video game world and finding her Perfect Hero, as advertised on the barely-legible font along the side. So. Damn. Wow. It did in fact look into the future of the genre.
…
Sarah: That mullet. That smile and that mullet.
Candy: God, those bangs. That bitten-into apple. Babe, I don’t want your half-eaten fruit.
…
Sarah: This cover made me laugh so hard I own a paperback copy somewhere. I think it moved with me. It is that important.
Candy: OK, you know what, sometimes with the benefit of time you realize you didn’t get what the cover artist was going for back in the day, and you’re now able to recognize that what they created was a piece of delightful camp art. The alarming bulge! (I do think homeboy should still get checked for elephantiasis.) The exaggerated arch of his back! The floppy-haired guy gazing up with adoration! The scandalized look on the face of the portrait! Is it tacky? Yes. Is it silly? Also yes. But you know what, it absolutely nailed everything it was going for, and I have nothing but respect for that.
Sarah: I showed this to my younger child who said, “Ok, so…wait, what? This is So GREAT!” Camp all the way down, 100%
…
In August 2012, we shared a whole bunch of vintage series covers where the people depicted looked like other people. This one absolutely cracked me up:
“I love the look on the face of the lady coming out of the rocks: ‘Excuse me, Charles, but I – AGAIN? You have to do this NOW? On the rocks? In your new sweater? I… I can’t even.'”
Candy: Another fantastic physics-defying pose. This woman might have a ghost of a chance at love, but absolutely no ghost of a chance to stay upright for more than two more seconds. Glad to see that Aquanet exists and still works in the afterlife, I guess.
Sarah: I feel that ghostly side-eye in my SOUL.
…
Then there are the old skool covers with animals of unknown provenance staring or creeping or freaking the hell out in the background.
Candy: I do appreciate that the artist was like, OK, this cover needs an animal freaking out in the background, and decided to draw something that would haunt us with questions forevermore.
Sarah: My question remains from the original post.
“What the fuck IS that thing? No, seriously, what the fuck is that?!”
I still don’t know what the fuck that thing is in the background pointing at them.
Reverse image search results were, I shit you not, “Cryptid.”
Either that or “Catnap” from Poppy’s Playtime.
…
Candy: OK, now this is a proper clinch cover. God. That gauze that’s barely covering her no-no zones. The unicorn with a very curvy horn. The unswerving commitment to pastels. This cover is what happens when Lisa Frank jizzes on a Pino painting, and I, for one, am here for it.
Sarah: When I think of classic clinch covers, this is what I think of. Animals everywhere, no idea where they are or why the weather is SO CLOSE to them. Giant butterfly soft focus.
The greatest part of this cover is that, per the cover copy, the sternum-sniffing person with faces in the musculature is hunting unicorns.
So I kinda hope that unicorn is thinking of taking him out of the equation while clearly distraction is upon them.
…
Candy: Oh boy, we have now entered the cursed era of airbrushed stock photos.
Believe…in the heroine’s ability to withstand hypothermia despite going out with her dress all the way unlaced in a blizzard.
Trust true love…to prevent her nose from falling off after she gets frostbite.
Sarah: Not only does that holly plant look VERY oversized, but if one were going to unfurl their hair and bum-thrust one’s posterior through a gauzy gown outside in the snow, would the GIANT PLANT with SHARP OUCHIES be the most ideal place for such shenanigans?
Big, massive, oversized thanks to Candy for joining me in this snark retrospective.
What cover snarks do you still think about? Do you have a favorite cover?
